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I'm going to be a mother? The questions.

Updated: Jan 25, 2019

I so remember when I got pregnant with my first one, saying exactly that to myself. How am I going to do it? Am I ready to be a "MOM"? First I had to admit to myself that I was pregnant. PREGNANT? Then my mind went whirling around trying to grasp all that it meant. A baby? A child that i will be responsible for, for the next 18 years.? How can I be a mom? Should I be a mom? Am I ready? How? How can I afford a baby, when I can barely afford to take care of me? Oh my gosh, what have I done? All it took was one night of unprotected sex and voila... pregnant.

So I started reading, started looking into what it takes. How to take care of yourself when you are pregnant. So much new material. I looked at other people who were moms. Sisters, aunts, my mom, friends' moms. How will I compare? I babysat all the time, I know what to do with kids, I know how to take care of them, how to feed them, how to love them and make them feel happy. But this will be my baby. What do I want to do and what things do I not want to do. The lists started forming, I went through paper pad after paper pad. First: was a list to see the doctor, and what to ask: When is the due date? When can i find out if it's a girl or boy? Are there restrictions on me if I'm pregnant? Can I work? Can I finish school? What can I do? How do I stay healthy? I am healthy. Will I stay healthy? Will my baby be ok? What if there's something wrong? Then, what do I do? My mind kept asking and asking more and more questions. Is that how it is for everyone?

I made a plan, Oh, wait a minute, I haven't even told anyone yet. Not even the daddy. Who can I tell? I'm in school, nursing school. What will they do, will they let me continue in school? Oh no, now there's another list of questions. Why? What do I do? You have to understand that when I went to nursing school, they would kick you out if you were pregnant. I was halfway through school. Now What? Now to tell the daddy, more questions. How will he be? Will he take responsibility? Will he be there? Do I want to stay with him? Will he be a good daddy? What kind of person is he really? He's been loving and caring to me so far. Will he marry me? Is he the loyal type? He stood up to my mom for me. He acts like he will protect me, he acts like he cares about me. Acts like he likes children. Does he? The nieces and nephews seem to like him. He seems sound enough, Navy man, acts responsible. Will he be? Can I trust him? I thought about an abortion, make it go away. I couldn't do it. Then I told him and he wanted me to have an abortion. I cried and cried, I couldn't do it. This is a life inside of me. So many complicated dilemmas, but I can't, I just can't. I have to deal with whatever is on my path now.

I've put it off as long as I can, but now I have to tell my parents. I am so weak, I feel so humiliated and scared, scared they will turn me away, scared they will not accept my pregnancy and scared they will fly off the handle and ostracize me. Why do I feel that way? I feel like everyone must ask themselves so many of these questions. Do they? Do you?

I hope you have support and I hope you have good people to ask your questions of. I didn't feel I had many to back me up. I felt rather alone, especially at the beginning. When the questions started to fill my mind. Don't lock them in your brain, talk to someone and let them out. It helps to clear the air and help you think straight. Writing things down helps too. Just don't let them whirl round and round, twisting and turning till nothing makes sense.

one of many following this...........

F Mutamba RN BSN

As the sun sets, the questions swirl.......

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